Writing a sympathy card can feel overwhelming. What can you say that could possibly make it better? Here’s a truth that might be hard to hear, but it’s important: you can’t make it better. Your words won’t fix anything — and that’s not the goal. The purpose of the sympathy card isn’t to solve or soothe grief. It’s to show up. Your card is a way to offer acknowledgement, validation, and connection. Here are some strategies for how to do this.
Acknowledge
Grief needs to be witnessed. Whether the person is grieving a death, an illness, or another kind of loss, acknowledging what happened can be a good way to begin:
- “I was so sorry to learn about Arya’s death.”
It’s also okay to acknowledge your own limits. You don’t need the perfect words — just real ones:
- “I wish I knew what to say.”
Be as specific as possible. Use the name of the person who died; it reminds the grieving person that their loved one mattered and hasn’t been forgotten. Share a memory if you can:
- “I always loved how Alex left a bowl of water outside for neighborhood dogs. My dog Buddy used to stop for a drink during every walk, and if Alex was on the porch, we’d chat for a bit. I’m going to miss those moments.”
If you didn’t know the person who died, consider referencing something from their obituary or social media tributes:
- I read that Maya volunteered with Habitat for Humanity for 30 years — what a legacy. I can only imagine how deeply she is missed.”
You can also personalize your message by acknowledging the bond they shared:
- “I didn’t get to know Evan personally, but it’s clear how much he meant to you.”
Validate
Words can’t soften the pain of loss. Avoid the urge to “bright side” someone’s grief with silver linings or (the dreaded) platitudes. Instead, validate the reality of loss:
- “I hate that you have to go through this. It seems really hard.”
Be careful not to compare your experience with theirs or shift focus to your own grief. Phrases like “I know how you feel” can unintentionally minimize someone’s pain by overlooking how unique each grief experience is.
Connect
Grief can be incredibly isolating. Connection matters. Your card can be a reminder that your person is not alone. Keep it simple:
- “I’m here for you.”
A vague “Let me know if you need anything” often feels like an empty gesture, even when it’s well-intentioned. Instead, be specific — and sincere; don’t offer something you won’t or can’t follow through on:
- “I’ll check in with you next week.” [And then, check in with them next week.]
Putting It All Together
Here’s what all this can look like in practice:
Timing Your Card
There’s often an assumption that a card must be sent immediately or not at all — but that’s simply not true.
Immediately after a loss, the grieving person is often surrounded by care — cards, meals, flowers, check-ins. Unfortunately, that initial flood of support often fades after a few weeks — not because people stop caring, but because life moves forward. Meanwhile, the grieving person continues to carry their loss every day.
If you didn’t send a card right away, that’s okay. In fact, sending a note a few months later might be even more meaningful. It shows your person that they’re still remembered, still supported, still not alone.
Grief doesn’t follow a schedule, and there’s no expiration date on kindness.
A Few Final Tips
- Choose your card with care. Many sympathy cards are dripping with platitudes — steer clear. Avoid religious language unless you’re confident it aligns with the grieving person’s beliefs. If you’re unsure, go with a blank one.
- Write like you. If you wouldn’t use “my deepest condolences” in any other circumstance, don’t write it. Just be yourself.
- Consider other formats. If a physical card doesn’t feel right, a heartfelt text, email, or message still counts.
Get Reminders to Check In on Your Person
Follow the Nudge, a free web app from WPSU, can help you provide meaningful, ongoing support to people you care about who are grieving.
Grief is hard. Supporting someone through it can be hard, too.
Thank you for showing up for your person.
Even if it feels small, your words matter. Your care means something.
Zero-cost Resources
If you’d like to continue developing your grief literacy, WPSU has created several free resources that can help:
- Speaking Grief is a public media initiative that works to create a more grief-aware society (made possible with funding from the New York Life Foundation).
- Learning Grief is an online resource created to help caring adults help kids and teens navigate the big feelings that come with loss (made possible with funding from the Imagine Learning Foundation).
- Follow the Nudge is a web app that helps you provide meaningful, ongoing support to people who are grieving (made possible with funding from the WPSU Innovation Fund).
About the Author
Lindsey Whissel Fenton, MEd, CT, (she/her), is an Emmy award-winning filmmaker, international speaker, and grief educator. In her current role as a senior producer/director and instructional designer at PBS/NPR affiliate WPSU, Lindsey focuses on projects related to grief, trauma, and mental health. She is the creator of Speaking Grief and Learning Grief and founder of Empathic Media. She also serves on the board of directors for the National Alliance for Children’s Grief (NACG). Lindsey earned her bachelor’s degree in cinema and digital arts from Point Park University and her master’s degree in learning, design, and technology from Penn State. She is Certified in Thanatology through the Association for Death Education and Counseling (ADEC).
The author is not licensed therapist or medical professional. This piece is intended for informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Please consult your physician or other qualified health care provider immediately if you are experiencing any suicidal thoughts. If you are in crisis, help is available for free, 24/7 in the U.S by calling or texting the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at: 988. More information is available on the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline website.