Speaking and Learning Grief: You Don’t Need to Be a “Feelings Person” to Offer Meaningful Support to Someone Who Is Grieving

When it comes to grief, we often mistakenly think if we’re not “good with feelings,” we have nothing to offer a grieving person. That is categorically false. Emotional support is an element of grief support, but it’s not the only element. From companionship during a soothing activity to practical assistance with the tasks of daily living, there are many ways you can show up for someone who is grieving.

People Grieve in Different Ways

Not all grieving people are looking for someone to pour their heart out to. Researchers Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin identified distinct styles of grieving, the two most prominent being Intuitive Grieving and Instrumental Grieving:

• Intuitive Grieving is what many of us have been conditioned to think of when we think about grief. Someone with this grief style will openly express emotion (e.g., crying, shouting, communicating emotions) and will often describe their experience in terms of feelings. In other words, their outward expressions of grief mirror their inner experience of grief.
• Instrumental Grieving is more focused on thoughts and behaviors. Someone with this style may appear less outwardly affected by their grief. The grief is there, but the way it manifests may not align with our expectations. They may express their grief in cognitive ways (e.g., “I can’t stop thinking about what happened”) and/or through actions (e.g., throwing themselves into work, exercising excessively, or championing a cause related to their loss). Be careful not to interpret how they present as an accurate measure of the impact the loss is having on them.

In the past, these styles were often stereotyped along gender lines, but any gender can embody any expression of grief. Neither is right or wrong and one style of griever isn’t more affected by their loss than the other. They just process their experiences differently, which is important to understand because it has implications for the type of support they may need. If the person is an instrumental griever, they may not want to talk openly about their emotions and may take far more comfort in simply having a friend beside them for a day of fishing or a neighbor show up with an array of storage totes because they suddenly want to organize their basement — no feelings talk required.

Practical Support Is Powerful

Practical assistance with the tasks of daily living can be a tremendous gift for someone who is grieving. Whether someone is an intuitive or instrumental griever, grief affects our brains and bodies, which can make ordinary tasks incredibly challenging. As Megan Devine, psychotherapist and best-selling author, said in Speaking Grief, helping with mundane tasks like getting the mail or taking the garbage out allows the griever “the luxury of just being devastated.” This type of support can be especially helpful in the first few weeks after the loss.

Play to Your Strengths

If you try to force yourself to show up in a way that doesn’t come naturally to you, it’s going to feel “off” to both you and the person you’re trying to support. And, because it’s unnatural, it’s going to require extra energy that may deplete your capacity to keep showing up for your person or stop you from even trying. If you know that you aren’t a feelings person, that’s okay. Maybe instead of being the supporter who sits there and holds the tissues while the griever cries, you can be the one who takes them out to a movie or concert or camping trip to give them a break. Or maybe you can provide the type of practical support that gives the griever space to be in their feelings without worrying about doing the laundry or going to the grocery store.

You can do this discreetly by just showing up to help, or you can communicate your intentions to the person by saying something like, “I’m not great with emotional stuff, but I want to be there for you. I was thinking I could handle pick-up and drop-off for the kids at school for a couple weeks, so you don’t have to worry about it. How does that sound?” Or “I thought we could go hiking on Saturday. We don’t have to talk about anything, just get outside and enjoy some fresh air together.” Offer something specific and get consent from the griever.

Show up as yourself, not the person you think the grieving person wants you to be.

It Takes a Village

You don’t need to be all things to the person you’re trying to support. Lean into what feels most natural to you and allow others to do the same. I’ll use myself as an example: I’m a terrible cook. I’m definitely not the person you want dropping off a home-cooked meal when you’re navigating a crisis. But I am a “feelings person” who is comfortable sitting with someone while they cry. So, I can offer to show up for the feelings stuff and not beat myself up that I didn’t also show up with a casserole. I trust that there are other people in my griever’s life who maybe don’t do so well with big displays of emotion but are savants in the kitchen. If everyone in a grieving person’s circle offered even one thing that came naturally to them, that collective support would make a world of difference.

Grow Your Comfort

Just because you’re not a “feelings person” right now doesn’t mean you can’t become one in the future. It’s possible to develop more comfort with emotions. With intention and practice, things that feel daunting now can become more natural; grief literacy is a learnable skill. Developing awareness of your own emotional experience and validating another person’s feelings are both great places to start.

A Final Thought

There’s no shame if feelings aren’t your strong suit. Different people have different strengths—and that’s a good thing! What you don’t want to do is fall into the trap of thinking that because this one component of grief support doesn’t come naturally to you that you have nothing to offer. That’s the type of thinking that leads to people pulling back from the griever, which can lead to disconnection and relational breakdowns. Instead of putting yourself on the bench because of you feel you lack one particular skillset, think about what ways you can show up and offer that to the person who’s grieving.

Zero-Cost Resources

If you’d like to continue developing your grief literacy, WPSU has created several free resources that can help:

• Speaking Grief is a public media initiative that works to create a more grief-aware society (made possible with funding from the New York Life Foundation).
• Learning Grief is an online resource created to help caring adults help kids and teens navigate the big feelings that come with loss (made possible with funding from the Imagine Learning Foundation).
• Follow the Nudge is a is a web app that helps you provide meaningful, ongoing support to people you care about who are grieving (made possible with funding from the WPSU Innovation Fund).

About the Author

Lindsey Whissel Fenton, MEd, CT, (she/her) is an Emmy award-winning filmmaker, international speaker, certified thanatologist, and grief educator. In her current role as a senior producer and director at WPSU, Lindsey focuses on projects related to grief, trauma, and mental health. She is the creator of Speaking Grief and Learning Grief and serves on the board of directors for the National Alliance for Children’s Grief (NACG).

The author is not licensed therapist or medical professional. This piece is intended for informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Please consult your physician or other qualified health care provider immediately if you are experiencing any suicidal thoughts. If you are in crisis, help is available for free, 24/7 in the U.S by calling or texting the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at: 988. More information is available on the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline website.