Discussing grief and the holidays is tricky. It can contribute to the false narrative that grief follows some sort of predictable path. For some, the winter holiday season can activate grief. For others, these seemingly fraught winter weeks might pass without any major upticks in emotion — only for a random Wednesday in March to bring an unexpected wave of feeling. Still, the winter holiday season offers a unique moment to explore the delicate balance of navigating social spaces while carrying grief.
Someone who’s grieving may crave the connection of being around others but can also feel overwhelmed by the reality of social functions, even seemingly low-key ones. Well-meaning friends and family members might inadvertently pressure them to “get out more” or unintentionally deepen their isolation by not extending invitations. These moments can be challenging for everyone involved — the grieving person and those seeking to support them. While every situation is unique, here are some thoughtful ways to include your grieving person in social gatherings while honoring their grief experience.
Extending Grief-Aware Invitations
Affirm Their Value
Grieving people sometimes feel like a burden. They may decline an invitation because they fear it’s being extended from a place of pity. Or they may feel like they aren’t much fun to be around and opt out of an event because they worry about bringing others down. When you invite your grieving person to something, assure them that the invitation is genuine and remind them how much they mean to you:
- “You mean so much to me and you’re always welcome.”
- “I know you may not feel like yourself right now, but I like spending time with you, and nothing will change that.”
- “Even if you don’t feel like talking, it’s nice having you here.”
Minimize Pressure
Grief does a number on our brains and seemingly simple decisions — like whether to accept an invitation — can feel overwhelming. Your grieving person might not have the bandwidth to decide and may default to declining out of caution. Minimizing perceived pressure can help:
- “I’m making extra food, if you want to come, we’d love to have you. If not, I’ll take the leftovers to work tomorrow.”
On the other hand, they may accept even when they aren’t in a good space because they’re afraid that if they say no this time, they won’t be invited in the future. Assure them that’s not the case:
- “It’s ok if you say, ‘no,’ I’ll keep inviting you unless you ask me to stop.”
Offer Alternatives
It may be that your grieving person would love to spend time with you, but they feel anxious at the thought of navigating multiple social interactions. If you’re able, consider offering options so they can choose what feels best:
- “I’m having my annual holiday party on Saturday night and, as always, your invitation stands. If that doesn’t sound good this year, you could come over for brunch Sunday morning instead.”
Provide Relevant Information
Grief can do a number on the nervous system, leaving your grieving person vulnerable to sensory overload. They might hear “party,” imagine pulsing lights and blaring music, and think, “No way!” Getting more specific and providing details can help mitigate these concerns:
- “I’m having a game night on Friday. There will be about half-a-dozen people, some you know and some you don’t. I’ll probably have some soft music on in the background and some snacks. This week’s game is Trivial Pursuit.”
You can also offer accommodations you think might be helpful:
- “The guest room will be off limits to everyone except you. You can duck out any time and go there as often as you need.”
Provide an “Escape Plan”
Grief is dynamic and unpredictable. This can make it difficult for someone who’s grieving to anticipate how they’re going to feel at any given moment. Even if they genuinely want to see you or attend an event, they may decline because they worry you (or others) won’t understand if their grief gets loud and they need to cancel or leave early. You can help with this by proactively addressing these concerns when you make the invitation:
- “If you want to leave, tug on your ear and I’ll grab your coat, no questions asked.”
- “If you feel overwhelmed, you don’t need to say goodbye. You can just slip out and I won’t take it personally.”
Share the Schedule
If you’re planning a party, dinner, or other event with some sort of structure, giving your grieving person a sense of the timing can be a great way to allow them to opt into activities they feel up for and skip things they feel may be too much for them.
- “We’ll be having cocktails starting at 5:00 p.m. We’re planning to serve dinner around 7:00 p.m. Then we’ll do dessert and coffee around 8:30 p.m. You’re welcome for any or all of it.”
It may be that they initially wanted to attend but saw 5:00–10:00 p.m. on the invite and panicked, thinking, “I can’t handle 5 hours of socializing.” But once you break down the evening, they are able to say, “Ok, I’ll come for drinks and leave before dinner,” or “I think I’ll skip dinner and stop by for dessert.”
Mitigate Unwelcome Inquiries
Sometimes grieving people want to talk about their person or their experience. Other times, they want to set it aside for an hour or an evening and enjoy a distraction. This preference can change often and suddenly, so the best way to find out where someone is at any given time is to ask. If you’re hosting a group of folks that includes a person who is grieving, consider checking in with them ahead of time:
- “I want you to be as comfortable as possible. If you’re in a place where you want to talk about things, I’m all for it, but if you’d prefer not to get into it, I’m happy to communicate that to the rest of the group ahead of time so you can relax when you get here and know that no one is going to bring it up.”
Welcome Whatever Version of Them Shows Up
Grief changes people. If your person does accept your invitation, the version of them that shows up might seem unfamiliar. They might be less expressive and more subdued. Or they might surprise you with how okay they seem (pro tip: this doesn’t mean they’re “better” or “done” with their grief). Either way, try to avoid commenting on any changes and simply welcome them as they are:
- “It’s so good to see you.”
- “I’m happy you came.”
- “Thank you for being here.”
Expect and Accept Last-Minute Changes
When you invited your grieving friend to grab lunch, they may have genuinely meant it when they accepted at 8:30 a.m. But now it’s 11:30 a.m., and earlier in the day they heard a song that reminded them of their loss and put them into a funk they can’t shake. Or they had a demoralizing morning at work because their grieving brain can’t perform at the same capacity as it did pre-loss. Or they drove to the restaurant only to see someone exit the building wearing the same coat as their person who died, then couldn’t bring themselves to get out of the car. Expect and accept these possible outcomes and offer as much grace and compassion as possible:
- “It’s okay.”
- “I can see how that would have affected you.”
- “No problem. Want me to order something for you and drop it off in a bit?”
A Note for People Who are Grieving
People who care about you might not feel like something they perceive to be a small gesture — like consistently inviting you out — makes any difference. So, they might assume that if they stop doing it, it won’t matter. But if they know that it means something to you, they’re much more likely to continue doing it. If someone does something for you that feels right, tell them:
- “It meant a lot to me to be invited.”
- “I appreciate you asking.”
- “Please keep inviting me, even if I say no.”
A Final Thought
Grief can be an isolating experience that can leave a griever feeling disconnected from others. Sometimes, we think that we’re doing our person a kindness by giving them space. Unfortunately, they may perceive it as abandonment. When in doubt, reach out and allow them to make the decision. Whether it’s a group activity like a holiday party, a book club, or sporting event or simply a coffee date meant just for the two of you, continue to invite your grieving person to do things. They may say no. They may say yes and then cancel at the last minute. They may come, stay for 10 minutes, then need to leave abruptly. The important thing is that they had to the option to attend. Often the invitation is just as important as the event or activity itself.
Zero-Cost Resources
If you’d like to continue developing your grief literacy, WPSU has created several free resources that can help:
- Speaking Grief is a public media initiative that works to create a more grief-aware society (made possible with funding from the New York Life Foundation).
- Learning Grief is an online resource created to help caring adults help kids and teens navigate the big feelings that come with loss (made possible with funding from the Imagine Learning Foundation).
- Follow the Nudge is a is a web app that helps you provide meaningful, ongoing support to people you care about who are grieving (made possible with funding from the WPSU Innovation Fund).
About the Author
Lindsey Whissel Fenton, M.Ed., CT, (she/her) is an Emmy award-winning filmmaker, international speaker, certified thanatologist, and grief educator. In her current role as a senior producer and director at WPSU, Lindsey focuses on projects related to grief, trauma, and mental health. She is the creator of Speaking Grief and Learning Grief and serves on the board of directors for the National Alliance for Children’s Grief (NACG).
The author is not a licensed therapist or medical professional. This piece is intended for informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Please consult your physician or other qualified health care provider immediately if you are experiencing any suicidal thoughts. If you are in crisis, help is available for free, 24/7 in the U.S by calling or texting the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at: 988. More information is available on the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline website.